The New Humanities

Dear, in fact dearest resident of them all,

The current local government has failed dismally to manage our fair city...

Now we are experiencing all of the problems of a genuine metropolis - increasing traffic, fewer train and bus services, and lying politicians...to name but myself.

And, as I have moved around - consulting widely in the business sector - people ask me why I’m not running things for their benefit.

Now, the current administration has unfairly introduced high-density planning policies throughout our city. They are denying your God-given right to conveniently locate an industrial chemical dump right next to the laundry door. Your home could lose its value.

Once peaceful streets are rapidly becoming speedways - without the high-powered vehicles and corporate sponsorship necessary to attract international tourists. Under us, all this will change.

There’ll be a chicken in every pot - subject to the usual franchising arrangements, of course - a pitstop in every front yard, and grandstands all over. And, as in the past, careful tendering will make our quality of life the envy of the entire Western world.

More and more, I have been worrying about our elderly citizens. With this proposal, we can ensure they have a fun-filled retirement. Why...only last week, I backed over one coming out of my driveway. By this time next year, he could be out of hospital just in time for the full impact of motor racing at its finest! Together, we can do something about this.

Often, we don’t seem to hear from our elected representatives until an election is just around the corner. Now that one is...here I am - greasing my way into your mailbox at the first convenient moment. That’s why you know I care...

Yours sincerely,

Someone you didn’t vote for the last time

P.S.: it was the other guy that was the co-respondent in the domestic violence case. Honest.

John Henry Calvinist