exploratories
andrena
She was my first adult love....
But, by the time I’d discovered this, it was already far too late for me...and, I have no-one to blame but myself....
We met - when I was already deeply scarred (and so, even here, I’m
attempting to excuse myself) - in my first year at university. The lady
wasn’t - conventionally - beautiful (and, again...please note my
defensiveness), albeit very attractive. Yet, she had that blithe
spirit always seeming to rise above her surroundings...but, still
I - stupidly - failed to appreciate this....
A mutual friend informed me that she had an interest in me... and I - ye gods! - replied that I didn’t find her sexy.
Probably the most stupid thing I’ve ever said....
Within a year...I was already deeply regretting same.
Within three, we were living together in a share house - playing Black
Moria constantly - but, by this stage, I was so badly tongue-tied I
couldn’t even visit her room...
She got a boyfriend - and then another...I fell apart/regrouped...and then - once mania set in - made my play....
But she - understandably - would have no truck w/such a raddled
creature...and I have no doubt that she made the right decision...to
judge by what confronted her as this point.
Andrena, you were the first girl that I really loved - once I’d truly
begun to know myself - just for yourself.... And, now - all too late -
I also love the old films that you treasured for their sentiment, that
I had yet to abandon myself to, in those callow & supposedly
rebellious days of my youth....
Still, clocks may turn back, but human time cannot. And yet, there was
some melting point we missed...and, so, whatever our mistimed greetings
- I somehow wish, still, that we could meet again...
John Henry Calvinist
